BAFTA Red Carpet Rundown!

Yay, the BAFTAs happened! I always enjoy a red carpet more when most of the people on it are actually talented. (Oh, you heard me, Hollywood. Don’t even give me that look.)

That said, Jessica Alba is in here. I KNOW, I’M SORRY, please don’t confuse her with anyone who can act, etc. (Not that you would. I mean, it’s Jessica Alba.)

The good news is that most talented actors on the BAFTA red carpet seem to know how to dress; if it’s not stunning, it’s at least perfectly nice. (There was a whole other cadre of red carpet staples that I am assuming are the equivalent to our reality-show stars, dressed in Desperation Chic. It was grim. I ignored them.) On the flip side, a few people who usually know how to dress fell off the wagon this time.

A short parade of lovely gowns, and a few monstrosities, under the cut!

Lookin’ at you, Emma Watson.

Even she looks confused, as if on the runway this dress was a delightful confection with a train for days, and in person it was soft and seemed so young, and it was only after Kelly from Misfits had finished putting on her makeup and her gran had lent her some clip-ons and she had done her hair at the Genevieve in 8th Grade Before She Learned About Product Wash’n’Go Salon did she stand in front of a mirror and think, “Aw, crap.”

Let’s see how the other young ladies turned out.

Whippersnapper Division

I think the hair only works as long as you keep that “Was I making out in the limo or wasn’t I?” look on your face, but since it’s Gemma Arterton, you know she kept that expression going all night long. The dress is a pretty bold choice, too, since velvet can so easily turn sour on the red carpet. Shockingly, it was not the evening’s best velvet dress, which is seriously saying something. Still, this is gorgeous.

Emma Stone. She really likes clean lines, which I applaud, but the things she picks never seem more interesting than That’s Nice. Still, I’ll take That’s Size Up That Bodice, Please any day.

Which reminds me:

Jennifer Lawrence, you were on notice after the SAG Awards. This is my official correspondence notifying you that, if you selected this saloon-girl disaster, you are no longer allowed to dress yourself. If a stylist did, that person is to be fired immediately and replaced with someone with an ounce of sense, because even if you were the girl for that dress (you’re not), putting a choker on it was the worst idea anyone has ever had. This is not the AVNs, young lady.

Felicity Jones. If you look up “Darling” in the UK Actor Dictionary, there she is.

Bonnie Wright. I have a feeling this is an unpopular look, but I think the only big mistakes are the lipstick and the clutch. I think it’s an unusual dress, it’s not trying to be older than it is, and it’s a shade that does lovely things for her skin. Switch out the lipstick for something more subdued, and this is a pretty chic look.

Hailee Steinfeld. You know, it’s so close to being lovely, but it just idles around Rhinestone Festival Secretary Corner and never recovers. On the other hand, I loved this pre-party getup:

So she’ll be fine.

And let’s round this out with someone who wishes she had one-tenth Hailee’s talent:

Heaven help me, I hate her, but that necklace with that dress is a stunner. If we could Photoshop, say, Nina Sosanya into this puppy, it would be a great look.

But in terms of great looks, it was the ladies over 30 that rocked last night. (Mostly.)

Laaaadies Division

Annette Bening, so badass that even her satin dress is afraid to wrinkle in her presence.

Rosamund Pike, wearing McQueen like it’s no big deal. Somewhere, the casting director for X-Men: The Last Spring looks up like they’ve made a horrible mistake casting Emma Frost, then tries to go back to what they were doing, as the terrible knowledge creeps up on them forever.

Emilia Fox, going vintage in the best way, with modern hair and a flattering silhouette.

Eva Green, going vintage with somewhat less success, like she’s a vamp on a late-night TCM movie and she’s providing her own feed interference up top.

Helena Bonham Carter, looking gorgeous. It’s totally her aesthetic, but toned down in that way you tone it down when you figure you’ll be heading to the podium.

Lesley Manville. Love it. Great shape, great texture.

Julianne Moore. STUNNING.

Thandie Newton. STUNNING.

Tilda Swinton, with the look of the night. She’s often different and chic in a high-fashion way, but that doesn’t always translate on the red carpet. This one does, gorgeously.

Lit (on fire) Division

J.K. Rowling is a pretty stylish lady. Usually when I see her dressed up for something I think, “Looks good!”

This time, no dice. And it’s not entirely her fault. Sometimes a dress like this is allowed to be made, through some string of judgment errors, and then it’s put out for sale like it is an actual feasible garment and not a Parseltongue costume, and someone says to Ms. Rowling, “You HAVE to wear this, just look!” and she says, “Well, all right.”

But it’s not all right, J.K. It’s not all right at all.

Gents Division

Normally I don’t cae much what the gents are wearing, but sometimes something just strikes you.

James McAvoy, who has grown no more natural on the publicity circuit since Children of Dune eleven years ago, here shifting in his Goth tux and wishing desperately to just be at home with some fish and chips and his awesome actor wife.