King Arthur
In a year in which everything is absolute garbage, there was one bright light, one burst of true art: KING ARTHUR.
I tweeted about why.
It's a terrible movie. This is not in dispute. It is also, however, easily in the top ten of movies that made me laugh the most. Here's why.
— Genevieve Valentine (@GLValentine) September 15, 2017
The opening shots of KING ARTHUR. (It's a mage's tower. The mage is busy.) pic.twitter.com/Zh1asSkYki
— Genevieve Valentine (@GLValentine) September 15, 2017
Prince Vortigern (you remember him) is jealous of Uther's giant sword! All he has to stab his wife with is that little dagger. pic.twitter.com/5If0OxO6Fn
— Genevieve Valentine (@GLValentine) September 15, 2017
Vortigern, obviously, has been hard at work building a new, thicker, longer Mage's tower. pic.twitter.com/v5TXqYHWmS
— Genevieve Valentine (@GLValentine) September 15, 2017
But how will he pull it? "Hands on the hilt, stupid," says D. Beckham. "10 digits…Give it a tug." (Actual line, I couldn't make this up.) pic.twitter.com/0s8QadWqUP
— Genevieve Valentine (@GLValentine) September 15, 2017
King Arthur (2017), oil on canvas pic.twitter.com/HMZuqVL8qR
— Genevieve Valentine (@GLValentine) September 15, 2017
The mage tries to help, but when she has her hands on the hilt of his sword he just gets distracted and agitated. pic.twitter.com/oeGblwuFWh
— Genevieve Valentine (@GLValentine) September 15, 2017
Briefly, Vortigern gets Excalibur back. (Half the joy of this movie is that Jude Law knew exactly what was up and just dialed it to 12.) pic.twitter.com/9hj9qqggEj
— Genevieve Valentine (@GLValentine) September 15, 2017
And when that doesn't work, she just sends in More Snake. pic.twitter.com/euCR6NcRCa
— Genevieve Valentine (@GLValentine) September 15, 2017
By now the entire movie has descended into a breathless montage celebrating the psychological quagmire it knows it can't escape. pic.twitter.com/b30OIc3Am4
— Genevieve Valentine (@GLValentine) September 15, 2017
"How can we distract from the unfortunate psychological overtones of this?"
"What if I screamed at length?"
"Oh, perfect, thanks" pic.twitter.com/w9EGLr4XTs— Genevieve Valentine (@GLValentine) September 15, 2017
And at last, Arthur triumphs over his uncle's double-bladed scythe, because by now the movie literally can't help itself. TRUE KING pic.twitter.com/prvY8klawg
— Genevieve Valentine (@GLValentine) September 15, 2017
